D.A.R.E. is the new Prohibition: Don't get bullied into it

17 weeks ago, I received a form requiring my signature for my son to "participate" in the D.A.R.E.
("Drug Abuse Resistance Education")  "program".  All kids in his entire grade received it as well.  Unless a form is not a legally binding contract of some extent, I question why I have to sign something like that in the first place.  A signature could mean that I'm either in agreement with something, or I could be potentially waiving any rights I had, as well as my son's rights in this case, so I was VERY wary.  The letter never stated why it needed my signature, what the D.A.R.E. program was going to teach my son, where my signature was actually going and to whom, so nothing about it settled well with me.  The form said:

 "I allow __________  to participate in D.A.R.E."

Participation was never defined, nor were any of D.A.R.E.'s objectives.  How vague was that, and who wouldn't question this?

 I didn't know at the time, but I should have received a letter like this one: http://www.dare.com/officers/Officers_OfficerToolkit/Story0b30.asp?N=Officers_OfficerToolkit&S=22&S=131

I don't expect a 10 year old to understand the War on Drugs, how it makes a lot money for many people, how it will never end, was never created to end, how many innocent journalists are killed due to it, and how it only supports really crazy and really dangerous drug cartels and shady governments, our own included.  I don't think a child is going to listen to me rattle on about how we've traded guns for drugs, or how cocaine is a schedule II medication as well as drug, and oooooh-- guess where hospitals obtain it from?  A child is not going to understand nor listen to a bunch of old, political stuff, talk of money, hospitals, cocaine and not think, "Why is my mother talking about journalists being murdered and what does this have to do with me?  Is she crazy? WTF is a cartel?".  He'd totally say WTF in his head-- I've heard him whisper the acronym while battling Minecraft Creepers. 

At first, I told my son I was not going to sign it.  My reasons:  I'm against police presence in schools unless clearly needed  (it's definitely not needed here); they're not teachers, and why should they teach anyone about drugs? If someone had a problematic drug use issue, they would be the last person to go to. Furthermore, I do not agree that a PUBLIC SCHOOL should attempt to influence a child's "morality" in any way.  I'm against supporting anything which promoted the "War on Drugs", which the D.A.R.E. program arose from.  I told my son that he could tell his teacher that he will do his own unbiased research about drug abuse in the library during the one hour a week when the other students were "educated" on drug abuse.   I thought, " This is prohibition-type 'education'  That's gotten us... nowhere in the past, so why the vast majority of schools are continuing to use it is beyond me."

D.A.R.E. is about total abstinence from drugs, alcohol and tobacco as well as reducing gang  violence.  It also tends to overemphasize  that low self-esteem and peer pressure are direct reason for which adolescents abuse drugs.  D.A.R.E. also never distinguishes normal use versus harmful abuse.  What 5th or 6th grader is going to take a police officer seriously telling them that drinking will always lead to abuse and failure while their mothers and fathers socially and responsibly drink?  D.A.R.E.'s full prohibition on even non-problematic use is why it doesn't work. It doesn't work in research data and in real life, as its total abstinence policy does not match society's viewpoints.  Ironically, peer pressure seems to be the very foundation on which the program relies on.  

"But Mom, if you don't sign it, I'll have to sit in the office", my son told me.  I said, "Nonsense.  You didn't do anything wrong, so why would you have to sit in the office?".  He wasn't kidding.  I received a few emails from his teacher the next two days:

"Just a heads up XXXX has not brought back his DARE signature page for the officer yet. Thanks!"

I ignored the email.  Guess she never heard the phrase "No answer is your answer"?.  The following day I receieved another email from her:

"I have talked with XXXX about his DARE signature page and he has informed me that you refused to sign it. That is absolutely your right to do so, but I need to make you aware that by not signing it, he will not be able to participate in any of the activities in the 10 week program. He will need to go to the office and work on other work at that time when the class is working with DARE materials. We have the program one day a week and when it gets closer to the end we will be making movies, writing essays, seeing guest speakers, and having assemblies for the program that he will have to miss as well.

If you could please let us know in writing that you do not want him to participate that would be great. I can not just go by hear say from a student. Thanks so much!"

Other than my irritation for people who fake exuberance through exclamation points, where to begin?  Peer-pressure?  Punishment?  What the hell were D.A.R.E. materials?  Why wasn't I shown these?  Why would I have to make a signed statement in writing submitting my refusal to sign another signed paper?  Was that not the point of the D.A.R.E. "signature page"?  A refusal to sign is my answer, so what was with all the damn paperwork?  Can I ask her for documentation of such a policy, because it seems like she's making this up?  Some teacher who has her BA degree in Elementary Education is trying to tell me what my absolute rights were?  And punishing my son in some bizarre and vague way for what something that is not school-related and is a choice? WTF?!?!? What's with the 10 weeks?  My son said 17, and the program letter and websites said 17 weeks.  Oh, and did I ever mention how much I hate it when people make "You can choose to do that, but..." statements? 
I'm not fan of coercion/guilt/consequence tactics.

I was going to reply:"I'm sure he can go to the library and research drug use and abuse, statistics, etc. from all kinds of resources and not just *one*. Why put him in the office with 'other work'?  What kind of work?  I do NOT agree that he should be punished for not participating in an optional program that has never had any verifiable results.  I can help him with any essays and research at home as well.  Thanks for understanding my point of view."

I didn't know how to phrase it without sounding like a total bitch at the time, or how I would say I'm against the War on Drugs, and why, and would she see me as "Pro-Drug" if I did?  In any case,  I'm certain that my response would have had an "attitude", so I decided not to reply via email.  Things were tense for other reasons as it was.  

My mother was at my home when I asked for her opinions on what how I should reply, and she said,  "Just sign the damn thing, what was the big deal?  If you don't sign it, they're going to think that you do drugs.  Why oh why do you have to fight everything?".  She was of no help.  Trying to explain my refusal to submit to weak, faulty, rarely tested science and prohibitionist-like thinking to her and why it would bother me if my son was taught these things was frustrating.  Maybe she didn't see things how I saw them.    

The big deal?  What was the big deal?  I didn't want some LEO with zero tolerance viewpoints, likely to be an alcoholic himself, teaching my child about morals.  It's a public school, so what makes them even think that they can do this?  I'm SURE there's gotta be a law against that specifically.  How dare people who claim to be anti- peer pressure use it themselves on my son and I. They can think whatever they want.  I am opposed to this whole signing off on things I don't know what I'm signing off from; What's with the veiled punishments and exclusion?. If they need a signature, they're avoiding some Federal Department of Education law and using this weird vague "signature page" as a loophole.  That's the big deal.

I was being pressured in many ways.  From my son's school/teacher, and it wasn't exactly a good time to appear "Pro-Drug".  Which I'm not.  Pro-medicine?  Yes.  And that doesn't even include pot.  (There's still some imaginary bomb plotter/medicinal user of marijuana out there! I promise, one day I'll tell you more.)  Pressure from my mother who said that my "fighting the system" ways were somehow going to exclude my son and make him an outcast.  And pressure from myself.  I cannot support something I don't agree with, only to appease others.  But I also don't want my son to sit in the office once a week and feel like a freak, or feel like he's done something wrong.  All over zero-tolerance attitudes and how I see taking such a stance is a waste of time, money, and a form of social control?  That's the big deal.

I was angry that I had to make this decision. I am still really angry that my son had to be involved, and that people-- teachers, his peers, would look down on him in some way, for doing nothing, as he had no choice in if I didn't sign the form.  I was angry because he had no control.  Sure, he's a child, but they still have choices which aren't always irrational.  They have rights, which include privacy and being educated in a doctrine-free environment, yet those were out of his hands.  That makes me sooooo angry. When the decisions get placed in my hands, I suddenly become a "weirdo protestor, fighting the system, Pro-Drug, excluding my son from things other parents didn't think twice about".  Why didn't I view it like that?  It's almost as if no one recalls lessons learned from the Prohibition Era.  I hated that this was a Catch 22.  And the clock was ticking.  The vague signature form was already "late".  I didn't want to sign it, but I also didn't want my son to feel as if he had done something wrong. 

I really didn't want to tell him the harsh reality of life:  That some people value money, power  and social influence over others dignity and their own ideologies as to what social norms actually are. 

I signed the form.  But I needed him to know that I was opposed to it for reasons he probably wouldn't understand or care about, but he could ask me anything. I also needed him to know that we had to have a talk before he attended any D.A.R.E. classes.  I told him that opposing the majority is not always wrong, and to think about people like Rosa Parks.  Some "policies" and "rules" that were taught are looked back in history as great failures, and that's what the D.A.R.E. program has been for over 30 years, without many recognizing it. 

I told him the truth:  That what he was going to be taught would probably never apply to his life.  I told him if anything, D.A.R.E. makes people more interested in drugs, and it has no effect on his future use or abuse of drugs.  I told him that he was going to have a beer, or wine at some point in his life, and most likely at multiple points in his life, and that there was nothing wrong with that. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, and not everyone can even become an alcoholic.  I told him that humans have used substances for thousands of years for a variety of reasons, and they usually do it responsibly.

I told him that drug abuse is real, and it's horrible, and it's a problem in many areas all over the world and for society as a whole, and many people have to deal with it.  But not the majority of people.  And D.A.R.E.'s zero tolerance ideologies with police officers teaching students about drug use and mental health was ridiculous, and not ever going to work, and people just feel comfortable because it's popular.   I told him that there's a difference between "use" and "abuse" and D.A.R.E. would not teach him that. Yes, we all can get addicted to a substance, but the chances of getting addicted to alcohol are slim, marijuana none, and tobacco, well, it depends. I asked him,  "Do you think I started smoking cigarettes because they were free and I was peer-pressured into it?  Not at all.  I started smoking because it's an appetite suppressant and I was a chubby teenage girl. It was my choice, and it was actually a main reason why women and girls begin smoking to begin with".
I told him that whatever they try to teach him is VERY biased, filled with false and/or half-true data, and he should not to accept anything as fact or truth.  Just like multiple choice answers on tests:  The correct answer typically won't have words like "always" and "never", or any absolute value.

And I made him promise to always, always, always question everything told to him, especially if it didn't make sense.  

I hated the Catch-22.  After the 17 week program is over, they held a graduation event. As "luck" would have it, my son had a dentist cleaning and exam, right in the middle of the graduation.  What a shame... When I picked him up for his appointment, he was wearing a D.A.R.E. T-shirt.  I asked him why he was wearing it.  He said "They told us to".  I said "No one can make you wear ANYTHING.  Well, except me.  But your school is not allowed to tell you that.  Do you know that?".  Yes, he knew. He rolled his eyes.  It must be hell to have a mother like me, always telling him what his rights were, and "always fighting".  I could tell he was a little bit angry about the "incidental dental appointment".  He said that people will wonder where he was, which he didn't/couldn't/chose not to elaborate on.  I asked him what the problem was.  He said he would "miss out on a movie, popcorn and candy and playing at the park".  I said, "Candy and popcorn?  Food can be an addiction, too, and obesity kills WAAAY more people than drugs do.  Where's that program?".

Still, in the back of my mind, I could easily tell that he was pressured in some way, and perhaps felt "bad" or guilty for missing the graduation event. The time-frame they provided to parents for the day was off by an hour or so. It also a signature form required for transporting children via bus, but it was also strange, as I'll get into below.   After his dentist appointment, we went out for lunch.  Driving back home, we saw all of his classmates going into the theater.  The graduation form said 12:45 PM, but it was 1:45 PM.  He told me that the other kids had left the school at 11 AM.  I picked him up at 11:15 AM.   He said "Maybe I can play at the park afterwards?".  I said, "Sure", thinking, he won't be so mad at me, he can attend the graduation event and hopefully it will ease whatever fucked up pressure anyone put on him. I'll see what this "Culmination Event" was about and learn  WTF they taught him and WTF they forgot to teach him and what I need to clear up. Ugh.  Did I make a mistake? 

The "Graduation Form" was odd. It was also the only invite I ever received, so to hell with D.A.R.E.'s collaborative police/parent/student sham. It had two copies-- One said "School Office Copy" and the other said "File Copy".  To whom?  The form was only a bus transportation form,  so only the school office would need one, so who the hell was "File Copy" for?  In six years of field trips and other events, I've never seen a vague "File Copy".     

A few children were chosen for "best written essays" and they were awarded with a stuffed lion named Daren, D.A.R.E.'s mascot.  Other children cooed at the stuffed lion, each one pulled out of a cheap plastic bag and handed to the winners.  I don't think 10-12 year olds can see how cheap displays with photos are just good PR for the LEO and the newspaper.  The winners read their essays aloud and they were all the same.  "Did you know that...?  And NOW I know HOW to make good life choices for everything in my life using the D.A.R.E. Decision Making Method in my life".  I wondered, hmm, what is THAT decision method?  Like the kids didn't know how to make any tough choices and decisions without D.A.R.E.'s help?  They didn't have parents or 10-12 years of LIFE to teach them a thing or two?  It all sounded so fake, and it made me wonder-- Is anyone else in this room thinking what I'm thinking?  Does anyone else know about D.A.R.E.'s ZERO success rate?  Did anyone else wonder why they had to sign a weird and vague signature page?    .

I kept hearing the words "stress", "self-esteem" and "peer-pressure" over and over again, and how they were the causes of drug "abuse".  They're still using this peer-pressure gimmick?  And stress and self-esteem?  Never in my life have I met anyone who began to use a substance for those reasons.  Laughable, sad, and it's a lie.  Lies don't work with children.  They'll figure it out and realize the whole thing was bullshit.  I never had anyone in my life come up to me pressure me into taking free drugs.  I slowly recalled the "drug education"  I received in school as a child during one of the monotonous speeches:  That there would be zombie-like drug dealers every where I would turn, pressuring me into using drugs!  Bad, bad people!  As it would turn out, THIS NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED.  

I asked my son where his essay was.  He said he never got it back.  "Was his essay as manufactured as the others", I wondered to myself?  I doubt it.  Him, following an obviously structured guideline?  HAH!  I still wanted to read it, and I wanted to know why it wasn't given back to him if written weeks before.  I was hoping that for "The Officer" or perhaps one of the older kids would state a difference between drug use and drug abuse, but that I wasn't expecting it, and it never came up.  The "A" in D.A.R.E. is abuse, and they never mention drug use, other than that it makes you a "weak person with no self-respect or self-esteem".  Any amount.  This was insanity. 

I still had to know why my signature was needed.  And I went digging.  There's a Camus quote on this blog's main page that says, "Always go too far, because that's where you'll find the truth".   It obviously means a lot to me.  Sometimes the truth is more disturbing than you thought it would be.  You think you'll get most why's at least semi-answered, but you rarely do.  Why's turn into more why's, and then they turn into how's with even more why's and I can totally see why Camus once said something to the effect of "The most important decision you make every day is to not kill yourself". Whew.  That was his rabbit hole, I guess. 

What I found out:
*That there was a "D.A.R.E. Box" in each classroom.  Children are told that they can anonymously report anyone, even friends and family members, if they suspect that they're using drugs.  Children are told that they won't get in trouble, and neither will whomever they report.  They will "help" the person.  I asked my son if he had one in his classroom.  He confirmed he did, and that it was a "project" made by another child.  Child informants?  Too weird, and just wrong.

* D.A.R.E. was the product of Darryl Gates, the "paramilitary-style" LAPD  Police Chief between 1978 and 1992.  The 1991 Rodney King/Police Brutality incident, the riots that followed in 1992, as well as the Christopher Commission that looked into the King incident, forced Gates to step down as Police Chief.  Darryl Gates was also considered racist and sexist by many.  In 1991, Gates told  the Senate Judiciary Committee the following:

 "...Casual drug users should be taken out and shot."

*D.A.R.E. has been proven to be consistently ineffective by the US Department of Education, the US Surgeon General, the US Government Accountability Office and the National Institute of Health.  That alone should say enough.



*"In D.A.R.E.'s worldview, Marlboro Light cigarettes, Bacardi rum, and a drag from a joint are all equally dangerous. For that matter, so is snorting a few lines of cocaine." -- http://www.druglibrary.org/think/~jnr/truthord.htm




* "It really is irresponsible to place all drugs in the same category,' says Marsha Rosenbaum, who heads the West Coast office of the Lindesmith Center, a drug policy reform organization. 'What I don't want kids to hear is that all drugs and any amount you do will be the road to devastation. Once kids get to an age where they're experimenting . . . they know that is not true, so they throw away the entire prevention message. It isn't really education. It's indoctrination."-- http://www.villagevoice.com/1999-04-06/news/truth-or-d-a-r-e/full/



*  I thought, "What about Jewish kids?  They're obligated to drink wine on some holidays.  What do their parents do?  What about Native American children?  They're obligated to smoke tobacco for their religious rituals.  Does D.A.R.E. not understand a difference between religious and cultural use versus self-destructive abuse?  Does D.A.R.E. actually think that people are going to go through life without ever having a cigarette, or ever drinking a beer, or even smoking marijuana?  How deluded were they, and why would they teach such nonsense?  They no longer take a "Just Say No" approach as they did in the 1980's and 1990's.  They now offer a "choice" system, which can allegedly be applied to everything in life according to the speeches I heard today.

*This choice-making system that can be applied to every problem or dilemma is the D.A.R.E. Decision Making Method, or "DDMM", as my son told me.  How... Governmental.  The DDMM "model", according to D.A.R.E., is:
#1: Define: Describe the problem, challenge or opportunity?
#2: Access: What are your choices? 
#3: Respond: Make a choice.  Use the facts and information you have gathered.
#4: Evaluate: Review your decision.  Did you make a good choice? 

^ ^ Cute.  It spells DARE...  It's repetitive. This sounds like a SWAT team method.  If only life were that black and white.  Opportunities are rarely problems; Sometimes you don't have many or ANY choices;   Is there a decision making method for what to do when you have no choices,  no information, and no facts?  Good for whom?  Who decides what a "good choice" is?
What lunatic wrote this?


 
*Loopholes? I believe they're using FERPA-- Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act as a loophole. They may also using a (very little known and well buried) amendment within the No Child Left Behind Act: PPRA-- Protection of Pupil's Rights Amendment. Bolded emphasis is mine.  

PPRA: The Protection of Pupil Rights Amendment  (20 U.S.C. § 1232h; 34 CFR Part 98) applies to programs that receive funding from the U.S. Department of Education (ED). PPRA is intended to protect the rights of parents and students in two ways: 

•  It seeks to ensure that schools and contractors make instructional materials available for inspection by parents if those materials will be used in connection with an ED-funded survey, analysis, or evaluation in which their children participate; and

• It seeks to ensure that schools and contractors obtain written parental consent before minor students are required to participate in any ED-funded survey, analysis, or evaluation that reveals information concerning: 

1. Political affiliations;
2. Mental and psychological problems potentially embarrassing to the student and his/her family;
3. Sex behavior and attitudes;
4. Illegal, anti-social, self-incriminating and demeaning behavior;
5. Critical appraisals of other individuals with whom respondents have close family relationships;
6. Legally recognized privileged or analogous relationships, such as those of lawyers, physicians, and ministers; or
7. Income (other than that required by law to determine eligibility for participation in a program or for receiving financial assistance under such program).

 FERPA: Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (20 USC 1232h, 34 CFR 98):

"... No student shall be required...to submit without prior consent to psychiatric...treatment."
Psychiatric treatment is defined as:

"an activity involving the planned, systematic use of methods or techniques that are not directly related to academic instruction and that is designed to affect behavioral, emotional, or attitudinal characteristics of an individual or group."  D.A.R.E. , influencing behavioral characteristics and attitudes towards things? 


*I never received nor saw a single sheet of my son's D.A.R.E. workbook.  I asked him to bring it home.  He replied, "We're not allowed".  Whaaa?  Thought I had the legal right to inspect any materials "used on" my child? 

* I requested a few materials from D.A.R.E.'s website which I assumed were available to all. This was the email I received: 

The materials you requested are provided by D.A.R.E. America to officers who have completed the 80-hour training certification. I am unable to fulfill your request at this time.

I would recommend visiting NIDA's website, www.drugabuse.gov, as this site has a wealth of information ready for download and use. Their information is available for teachers, parents and students of all grade levels. You may also request publications from this site and they are provided free of charge.
Sincerely,
D.A.R.E. America

Rosaida Dumaliang
D.A.R.E. America
(800) 223-3273
www.dare.org

*The materials I requested did not state that they were only available to officers. NIDA makes no mention of D.A.R.E. either. 

* Are negative scientific-based D.A.R.E. reviews hidden from society?  Does D.A.R.E. intimidate people? Possible damning evidence:

"One of the most respected academic journals in its field, The American Journal of Public Health accepted the RTI [*Research Triangle Institute; also very well respected] paper after it had been peer reviewed. Sabine Beisler, Public Health's director of publication, told USA Today that 'DARE has tried to interfere with the publication of this. They tried to intimidate us.' Beisler declines further comment, except to confirm that she was accurately quoted, and that the journal received several calls from DARE America." [Dare America is behind the merchandising-- the T-shirts, the rulers, the pencils, etc.  http://darecatalog.com/Default.asp]

"Director Jeremy Travis replied in one letter to the editor: Questions about 'the scientific validity' of the study were raised by NIJ [ National Institute of Justice] reviewers, and the work did not meet their 'high standards of methodological rigor.'"

When a negative research review comes out, D.A.R.E. tends to re-think its program: "In the eyes of the Justice Department, in other words, all the research that proves DARE ineffective is now invalid. This position infuriates many researchers, who view it as a disingenuous attempt to deflect criticism. Claiming that a revised program is entirely new is a well-known academic shell game. 'There's not a new curriculum--there's a slightly changed curriculum,' argues Richard Clayton, director of the Center of Prevention Research at the University of Kentucky. Clayton, who is now concluding a five-year evaluation of DARE in Kentucky, says his findings also match the conclusions in the RTI study."

--All quotes from http://reason.com/archives/1995/03/01/drug-prevention-placebo/8

Clayton said the following in 1996: 
"Although no one knows for sure why DARE has not caused lasting behavioral changes... it makes some assumptions that are not backed by research. For example, one lesson is devoted to self-esteem. And yet... researchers have found 'very little correlation between drug use and self esteem'."

*This makes sense to me.  As I heard the essay winners go on and on about self-esteem, I was trying to think of any addicts or drug abusers OR users who "took drugs because they had low-self-esteem"-- I couldn't think of a single person.  If someone were to ask me why people decide to use drugs, I would say... Boredom, experimentation, rebellion.

Kevin J. Skazalsk-- Eastern Michigan University 
I can't seem to find out much about this man, and by the subtitle "An applied research project..." it appears that he may have written this as a Graduate Student.  He seems very non-biased in this report from 2004, and even tries to pick out the good parts of  D.A.R.E. (i.e., its popularity) while giving it an honest yet not so positive review.  I think those who say D.A.R.E. critics are "Pro-Drug" or "Jealous of the competition" would be hard pressed to find either of those in Kevin J. Skazalski's review:

 
The DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) Program in existence since 1983 is the most prevalent anti-drug use program in existence. It is used in 80% of the school districts nationwide (General Accounting Office, 2003) and in at least 41 other countries.
The evidence documenting the lack of efficacy of DARE is so overwhelming as
to merit a discussion as to why it remains so popular... Consideration and review of the
potential harm done by continuing to employ an ineffectual program is also given.

Unfortunately, repeatedly and overwhelmingly DARE has been shown to be
extremely ineffective at deterring adolescents from substance abuse. University
studies conducted to exacting standards and held to rigorous review have failed to
make DARE’s failures common knowledge to the public. Surprisingly, after original studies, meta-analysis reviews, follow-up studies, and government criticism, DARE remains more popular than ever. 

Science needs to be the driving force behind not only an unbiased review of the DARE Program, but also behind finding reasons for its failure and providing appropriate alternatives. Only science and not emotional attachment or sentimentality can provide us with a realistic foundation upon which to build a functional solution to the substance abuse problem. 
 DARE’s Scientific Advisory Board bases the content and design of their curriculum on social influence theory.  Accordingly, they postulate that knowledge and the correct attitude
towards illicit drugs when combined with self-esteem, assertiveness, the ability to defend one’s position,and the facility to resist peer pressure all play a role in one’s ability to avoid drugs (Curtis, 1999).
  
Truth or DARE: A Literature Review of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education Program as Documented in Scientific Studies and Analyses 1992 - 2004
Kevin J. Skazalski
Eastern Michigan University

 *I realize I'm not the only one who seems to have issues!:

Although each child is given a D.A.R.E. "workbook," students are encouraged to leave them at school and not take them home.

D.A.R.E. is based on unproven, and likely false, educational hypotheses, the most notorious one of which is that using drugs is a symptom of low self esteem, or of high stress. Thus casual, responsible use of any drug (alcohol, caffeine, tobacco) by parents or anyone else is to be seen as pathological, i.e., "abuse." From this dubious premise, it is alleged that self-esteem can be "built" by reciting state-sponsored catechisms. These catechisms consist of claims of "rights" which are said to have been conferred on fifth grade D.A.R.E. students. They include the "right to be happy" and the "right to be respected."--http://www.drcnet.org/DARE/section6.html

... Here's the D.A.R.E. song about these "rights". It's even creepier seeing your own child singing this song with their entire grade .  They looked like sheep, no kidding.  I told my son that without some sort of attitude, people would have no personality and no self-esteem or strength.  

And now I feel guilty for not sticking to my gut-feelings.  It's difficult to chose between your opinions, when you know they're not extreme yet everyone else fails to see how theirs actually are, and having your child as the unintended pawn, and certainly not out of your own volition. 

Maybe I should have said, "I'll pick him up for that hour", or just went into the office that day and hour every week, without notice.  I regret it.  It bashes science and this isn't the 1930's.  That should have been my answer and my only answer.   

I realize that it all comes down to people not realizing things (D.A.R.E. is total abstinence?), popular politics, and those in political poistions who are't willing to lose votes because parents and teachers think that this BS is actually working, and they're the voters.  And you idiots can't use children as pawns.  

WISE UP.  I'm not signing a damn thing involving Prohibition.   Or against science. 

"When then going gets weird, the weird turns pro"--HS Thompson

Kittygate 1 was a picture spamming event that occurred on www.benzobuddies.com in 2012.

Why does this matter now?  I think it's occurring this very second here, but I could be *totally* wrong.  Just a hunch, but it's been done the exact same way before. I'd read the whole thread if I were you.  I can't see who wrote what, and unless you're a member, you'll see [Name Hidden], but that doesn't much matter.   Is this a Kittygate 2?  I guess we'll see. 

Member "Skyy", who allegedly had cancer, posted approximately 70 or so pictures of a cat/kitten, only to cause havoc and to make BB Mods/Admin look like control freaks.  Was this her idea?  Doubtful, but I wouldn't know.  (This is all, of course, mainly my opinion, I cannot validate anyone's reasons or logic, especially when their actions are insane. ) This led to a break in BB member's relationships.  It was kind of like... "You were either WITH Skyy or you weren't".  Because Skyy had cancer (some circles say this claim to is false and.or cured-- I cannot validate anything),  so an assumed sympathy was thought to be owed to her.  So HOW DARE THOSE JERKS AT BB for BANNING HER!  For  they were just pictures of kittens!  Sure, okay.  70+ pictures of a cat, repeatedly, without any actual logical reason.  But why would anyone do that? 

IMO, it has all of the markings of a certain Donna/ NT/Military Tanks/Bella Donna "event":  Create havok, make herself look more righteous (have you seen the shit she's pulled?!), and even more disturbing: to cause paranoia in those with existing anxiety disorders as they're trying to taper down from their medications.  But why would anyone do that?

First thing's first:  Skyy is not Donna.  I mean, as far as I know.  I have never met Skyy, but I often don't do digging up other people's nursing license suspensions for diverting Demerol (?), so I doubt Skyy is Donna.  If she can pull that one off, she's got Andy Kaufmann beat.  Trust me, Donna's got enough issues and login passwords to handle.  At the time ( approximately June/July of 2012), Skyy and Donna had came up with a new benzo forum.  What better way to squash competition other than making it look bad?  That's your answer. To get other people to feel "too controlled" so that they leave a forum and join hers.

Pretty fucked up, eh?

I can't explain this factually, of course.  My guess has always been that Donna's got a (mild?) case of anti-social personality disorder.  She's been doing this for a long time, and she's determined to win.  She never will, and as clever as she is, she fails to see that it will never happen.   Rampant Narcissism, aye! She's that hell bent on "winning", she's blind to this fact that it will NEVER happen.  I'm not sure what she'd "win" anyways-- A group of people withdrawing off of one of the WORST. MEDICATIONS. EVER. to withdrawal from?  Sounds like a blast, right?  

Of course not!  While she may not even be evil (feel free to have your doubts as I do), she wants the POWER, control and domination.  I'd be the last one to ask about people who require those in their lives. We all need to feel recognized and acknowledged, but those who require extreme versions of power and domination?  This is just a layperson's point of view, but it's probably due to the fact that they don't feel like they have much power in their lives to begin with.  Other than that, don't ask me.

As for Skyy...  I assume that Donna picked her because she was an RN and they had this kooky idea to have a "nurse on board".  Horrible idea, ethically and legally speaking.  It wasn't until I found the actual nursing license suspension(s) document that they backed off on this idea.  I wasn't poking fun at Skyy's use or probable addiction either. I don't do that.  I'm the last person to call someone a drug addict in the vast majority of cases, especially when I don't know all of the facts, and chances are, I assume she wasn't being properly medicated by her MD's because theyre frightened of creating "addicts" even in the US.  Here's the document again, and it's public information and I mean no harm by releasing it:

 And who the hell am I?  Am I one of the bad guys?  The trolls?  I don't think so.  I may have gotten wrapped up with them by mistake, but lesson learned.  I'm Banana/Banana101.  Obviously that's not my real name, but I'm a real person and not a figment of someone's imagination.  I was a member of BB for about 3 months, from September/October 2011 to early January 2012.  I too, was tapering from benzos, and at the time, my "maintenance dose" was 6-8 mgs of Ativan, if not more.  It was higher than that before, but it doesn't matter.  I went through a taper cold turkey in one or two weeks the year before, and I didn't experience a single thing that other members were experiencing, which led to a post I made about Occam's Razor, cherry picking symptoms, get real, buck up, it's okay to talk about suicide, etc.

Well, I guess it's not kosher to do that in benzo forums, because I was suspended, and trust me, as a 30 year old woman, you don't want to be suspended from a damn internet forum for discussing your thoughts.   I went to med school (but never finished) and I couldn't stand Benzoids thinking that their sinus infection was most definitely related to benzo w/d all the time.  Trust me, I feel like a failure all by myself, so there's no need to steer me in that direction.  So I asked to be banned and the Mods didn't know who the hell I was, I didn't have much knowledge of "PROSCRIBED WEBSITE #1", and well, it gets crazy after that. 

Was/am stalked by political and "religious" cults, people think I'm "the hacker", and because of all of this, I met a pretty great guy who lives in Vienna, Austria.  He's my quasi-boyfriend (I think?), we fight like cats and dogs, and I'm not always certain why.  I've never fought with anyone so much in my life.  Vienna is an awesome city which I received a visit to as a birthday present.  And he's been here.  But we're 4,000 miles apart, and not every day can be a birthday, of course.      

I assume in hindsight, now that I'm aware of how Donna operates a bit, that I was originally put in the troll category for one specific reason:  One night, I created a "fake" BB account.  I only wanted to see things, and I was not there to cause trouble.  I had told PROSCRIBED WEBSITE #1 of my ID, who told Donna, who then did what this CL person is doing above... Bashing BB and saying how great BE was so "helpful".  At the time, I had no idea it was Donna replying to me on BB, I don't even think M59 knew it was Donna. While "the troll" and myself have certainty banged heads and we're not friends, he's not really the one you should be concerned about. 

I thought he was responsible for the whole stalking thing-- and to bring my then 9 year old child into the circus?  Not cool.  And it didn't make sense.  Why would the same guy who complained about his family being harassed harass mine?  I have a penchant for being vengeful and retaliative, and honestly, it's a trait that I wish I could change.  I hit back "ten times harder" and have the emotions of a honey-badger while doing so.  Not me, and not cool.  It's a hilarious and short video that you should totally watch if you haven't seen it already, but as a (pretty emotional) human being who is generally kind and very protective and hates seeing anyone in pain, my emotions should not be like that while in "Operation Vengeance" mode.  It creeps me out!

All along, after "benzo leaks" occurred, and via admission from PROSCRIBED WEBSITE#1's owner, it was Donna who did all of the stalking.  Of me. Which is fine.  I am for whatever reason, oddly interesting to people, and honestly, it's the internet.  Who isn't a stalker to some degree? But my son?  Hands off, bitch. It all makes sense now.  Area59 only allows some information in--lulz.
Too bad it always get out. ;)

Why do I write?  I won't begin to chaotically ramble about how much I hate known unknowns and even myself for being so existential, because frankly, you're either in benzo withdrawl and won't understand a word I say, or you know me, and you've heard it all before.

The reason is... I hate puzzles and mysteries.  And that's what all of the Benzoids (i.e., people on forums, MD's IRL and "benzophobes", "benzo experts") are to me.  They're all little pieces that must fit together in some way, only to make sense to me because separated, nothing is logical.  And I can't handle illogical things. It's a pretty terrible way to go through life.  This means that I can never fully trust anyone because humans are imperfect, which is fine, but they're often assholes. It also means that I can never have some "magical" belief in miracles, unicorns, and whatever notion people have of a supreme being and/or god. See, you don't want to go down this rabbit hole. On the plus side, I get to make fun of quacks like Bliss Johns.  That never gets old.  Every year I await Recovery Road's Charity taxes.  They always file late, too-- grr!   Time to stop posting pictures of butterflies and happily-ever-after stories and get those taxes done, Bliss. 

I have no idea if I'm in the infamous CoM Cache on BB much.  I'm fairly sure it used to be called the CoM/Banana101 thread, but I could be totally wrong.   I'm not a troll, nor am I associated with anyone.  Except Seth, some poor Austrian dude who got pulled into this circus by merely commenting on my blog. 

See, all of this is probably more interesting than Watergate.  Benzoids. Xenu, people with 20 different online personnas, hackers, and having a 4,000 mile away relationship.  Really.  I never expected any of it. Try to explain a "We met in a cult!" picture to your grandmother on Facebook.  If anyone can come up with a concrete explanation, let me know.  "Inside joke" has a few family members concerned.  :)

And before my inbox gets flooded with questions and/or legal threats:

* I don't have any secret information that tells me why I think Donna is pulling some crap right now.  It's just a guess, and again, I could be totally wrong.  History repeats itself is always a good guess on it's own. If I'm right, that would be hilarious.  I kinda like how BB allows someone to make an ass out of themselves.  Hey, I never said I was totally normal.  If I'm wrong, I'm sorry "CL", whomever you are; No offense is meant by me if that is the case. 

* Before anyone gets sue happy... Actually, go ahead.  I don't care.  I'd love to be "deported" to a Midwestern state or Wales for "felonious blogging".  

*What's with the comment, "now the FBI is involved, I hope I survive this experience..."?

Xenu, hackers, and now the FBI?   Hahahahaha... See the title, I guess.

(*Post Edited on 5/11/13 for typos; Also uploaded a jpeg and added more information).  










 

"Dr. Who?"... (No, not the cool one with the telephone booth)

To the not so random benzo Google searcher, yes, your queries are correct.  Dr. Heather Ashton,  the benzodiazepine expert (yet most MD's in real life have never heard of her)  made a "manual" to withdrawal off of benzos after running a benzodiazepine withdrawal clinic from 1982-1994.  The swinging era of Mother's Little Helper (Miltown, Valium or Barbs, take your choice) was over with by then.  Valium has been scheduled as a controlled substance in the US since 1970, after being on the market for approximately six years.  It was obviously known then that benzos had the potential to be addictive.

The idea in itself wasn't a bad idea, of course.  Booze, barbs and benzos-- some cannot simply "cold-turkey"  of of these three and run the rare but slight risk of having seizures, if taken for long enough and at a moderate to high dosage.  (*Note: 2-4 weeks isn't within that time frame, regardless of what the suggested Rx time-frame is in some UK circles!)

But what's happened since?

Prescriptions have gone down.  The majority of people who take benzos take them for less than 6 months, they take them as needed, and do not get physically dependent upon them.  In the rare cases in which people do become physically addicted to benzos, it's dealt with rationally.

By rationally, I'm not talking about focusing on every single physical sensation felt, or doing some ridiculous 1+ year taper via the Ashton Manual.  (Lest we not mention the used-to-be-secret trademarked micro-tapering "milk" Valium mixtures via Julie/"Jana" Hill.  I can't wait for her patent to fail in an epic, by the way.  Nothing against the woman personally.  It's just my principle that one should not "play doctor" when they're clearly untrained in a plethora of ways.)

I'm also not talking about believing that you're physically addicted to <5 mgs.  Psychologically dependent?  Sure, I'll give you that.  But... buck up. 

I've voiced my opinions regarding Ashton before.  Frankly, I think that switching over to Valium isn't always the best solution.  It may prove to be downright dangerous. We'll forget her insane benzo equivalency chart for the time being and we'll use standard, real world data.  1 mg Klonopin= 10 mgs Diazepam.  Not .5 mgs.  Is it just me, or does Ashton have a bias against the newer benzos, such as Klonopin, Ativan, and Xanax? Oh, another question, which I cannot except "brain damage" as an answer for:  Who the hell told everyone to get off of benzos?

The Ashston Manual fails to mention how even in very long-term, high-dose users, Valium just ain't gonna work for many, as it's too weak.  Look at www.benzobuddies.org as an example.  I don't see many success stories from people using Valium to taper from.  If success is taking a YEAR to withdrawal from 1-5 mgs of Valium, by all means, I need a new dictionary!

Ashton... From (gah) www.benzo.org.uk:

Some doctors in the US switch patients onto clonazepam (Klonopin, [Rivotril in Canada]), believing that it will be easier to withdraw from than say alprazolam (Xanax) or lorazepam (Ativan) because it is more slowly eliminated. However, Klonopin is far from ideal for this purpose. It is an extremely potent drug, is eliminated much faster than diazepam (See Table 1, Chapter I), and the smallest available tablet in the US is 0.5mg (equivalent to 10mg diazepam) and 0.25mg in Canada (equivalent to 5mg Valium). It is difficult with this drug to achieve a smooth, slow fall in blood concentration, and there is some evidence that withdrawal is particularly difficult from high potency benzodiazepines, including Klonopin. Some people, however, appear to have particular difficulty in switching from Klonopin to diazepam. In such cases it is possible to have special capsules made up containing small doses, e.g. an eighth or a sixteenth of a milligram or less, which can be used to make gradual dosage reductions straight from Klonopin. These capsules require a doctor's prescription and can be made up by hospital pharmacists and some chemists in the UK, and by compounding pharmacists in North America.

Can I call bullshit on this one?  Easily.  Klonopin is available in .0125 mg wafers as well.  .5 mg is not the smallest dosage.  Smallest "tablet", perhaps-- but she's not getting off on a technicality.

Klonopin is difficult to withdraw from?  With an estimated 1/2 live of 18-50 hours, I'm missing Ashton's point how Klonopin would fail to provide "smooth, slow fall in blood concentration rates".



And if you ever catch yourself outside of a compounding pharmacy, ready to ask them to whip you up a batch of 1/16th mgs special capsules... Maybe you should just take the 1 mg tablet, sit on a park bench, and make a doctor's appointment to talk about your apparent anxiety condition.

What bothers me about the Ashton Manual as a whole:

• Dr. Ashton recommends withdrawing from 3 mgs of Klonopin at a rate of... (hold your breath!) 20-40 WEEKS... Or 2.88 months to 5.71 months.  Insanity.   Some lunatics claim even the latter as being too fast. 
• Most MD's will taper you at a rate (same dosage, same benzo) at .125 mgs every 4 days-- 10 if you're a hypochondriac. 
• Look at the taper rate for 4 mgs of Xanax.  Multiply that by, oh, say 3x, if someone were on 12 mgs.  HOLY MOLY! 
• Glad I jumped off that crazy boat!

What bothers me the most about Ashton's promotion of Valium:

• It's very weak 
• It's very sedating 
• It causes depression in more patients compared to the "potent benzos" (Such as Xanax. Despite what Ashton says, Xanax appears to have antidepressant effects, which many people and pdocs have both felt and/or seen personally.)

So why, some 40-some years later, are people becoming more and more... hmm, what's the word? (Frankly, weird is an understatement.) Concerned, maybe, and at a very unhealthy level? And how, exactly?  The hell if I know.

Benzos..  They're very helpful medications.  And yeah-- they can also be a maddening hell to withdrawal from in high-dose/long-term users when not done properly.  And my story sucked-- It really sucked.  Yet I don't feel "victimized" by much of it.  It wasn't a "You bad MD!  Trying to poison me!" kind of story.  It was a "WTF?  A week or two?  That's WAY too fast.  Are they idiots?  Maybe they don't believe that I take that much?  Should I ask them to test me?  Why should I have to be the one to ask that?  Ugh.  I'm at a pretty high risk for having a seizure, but they're telling me I have MS, which I highly doubt.  They're assholes, for sure.  Regardless... I don't want to live like this anymore, not if I have Lyme and it's "negative" and they think I'm some lunatic who also has MS.  FML, ugh..." kind of story.  Add in some blindness and limping for months and months, and getting tired of saying, "This seems neurological, not psychiatric" a hundred times, and honestly, what sane, rational person would want to live like that?

Even though my situation led to near-fatal choices on my part as well as theirs, I always knew I could have spoken up, gone elsewhere, done something.  But I did not.  That's my fault.  Am I placing blame on myself?  Yes and no. 

They're not innocent, but you'll never hear me screaming "I was druuuugged.  I'm a victim."  Waaah.

And what keeps happening?  Oh, that's right.  They're still whining.  All of the assholes from BB would tell me that they hoped my brain would shrink from the massive dosage of 1.5 mgs of Klonopin I was on at the time.  (Lovely people, really. )

Where are they now?  Probably ejaculating to the horror stories on Benzo Wall of Shame's page, or sobbing about how after being off of benzos for 6 months, some food product magically put them in a tail spin straight into protracted withdrawal symptom.  

They're assholes.  And they more than likely have pretty serious anxiety conditions to see any cause/effect relationships that they cherry pick.  It can't ever be just an anxiety condition.  It's X food, or Y physical symptom, and PWS doesn't exist past a year (if at all), and I'm being very liberal in my estimation.

Well... My brain has not been eaten.  I drink Diet Coke.  Eat Chinese food.  I ask for extra MSG, when possible.  Have the occasional glass bottles of wine.  And OMFG-- I use Splenda and I eat GLUTEN, that devil!  And you know what?  I take less "drugs" than you fuckwads.

What's wrong with saying "I have generalized anxiety disorder"?  I see nothing wrong with saying it.  Hell, you should see the looks I get when I tell people I have Narcolepsy.  It's a sexy blend that sounds like narcotics and epilepsy, and most people are usually stupid and have no idea what it means.

Get rid of the taboo-- It's a disease.  That's all.  But, you'll NEVER hear that.  The quacks says, "It's what the evil PDOCS want you to think!  They'll tell you it's the original anxiety disorder returning, and don't fall for that trap!  They want you to think you have an anxiety disorder!  And you don't!  You're being drugged!".   

Because that sounds TOTALLY obvious, right?  Why would generally intelligent people, who have spent lots of money obtaining a degree in medicine risk losing their licenses, only to drug you?  To force you to become iatrogenically dependent?  To force you to become disabled, at which point THEY have to pay for your disability?  It doesn't make any sense. Ray Nimmo just might have to let me in on the this "scandal". 

Hmm.  Reminds me of a crazy story where some intergalactic overlord called all the people who lived on the planet Teegeeack together under false pretenses...

 https://whyweprotest.net/community/threads/who-you-think-will-win-the-super-bowl.108674/

So, yes, random Googler searcher-- Ashton's manual has clearly failed in my opinion. 

Benzodiazepine "related" but not obsessed...A Video...My Life ATM

Pardon the setup of the blog for the time being.

This will probably be a multi-part blog-- take it or leave it.  I want to remain "benzodiazepine-related" in my writing because I believe that whether one chooses to take them and/or needs to use them is really just an off-shoot of life:  Stress, sleep, mental illnesses* (see video below), how we perceive them, how others perceive us taking medications or "drugs"-- these issues can get very complicated and  muddy... How we all somehow ended up at X or Y forum or blog because no one we personally knew in our own lives knew what we were going through.  Or maybe because we needed advice, we simply wanted to vent, or we wanted or needed to feel understood.

Sadly, I think that's the exact reason for benzo.org.uk and Benzo Wall of Fame's Shame's "success". I use that term very loosely.  I don't consider something successful just because it's popular.  If you know anything about me, you'll know how well I love illogical fallacies.  In the latter two cases (Nimmo's benzo.org.uk and Benzo Wall of Fame) it's Appeal to Popuarity/argumentum ad populum that help their cause.  I'm certainly not one who conforms with the views of the majority.

So what do most people do?  Visit Dr. Google.  AYE!

It's how I ended up at BB and well... here.  The internet is amazing, but it has it pit falls.

I also realize it's not healthy to obsess over benzo-related anything.  I started this blog to talk about my life.  Not that I have an ego by any means, and not because my life is all that interesting.  I realize there aren't many people in the universe who both 1) give a damn and 2)  have the attention span to handle my "verbosity".  To that I say: to each their own.  I write for me.  If I changed BB's de-linking of CCHR videos to the least extent, goooood!  Not that I have a problem with people choosing to watch whatever the hell they want.  I just think they should be aware of the source and its agendas before they believe anything.  Free choice isn't exactly free when it's loaded with unknown agendas.

I also don't wish to be hyper-focused on benzos and/or their critics.  They're all like a lawn with daisies-- they spawn off one another and let's face it-- they're weeds.  Downright invasive weeds, regardless of how pretty they make look.

So.  My life.  Where to begin?  I'm not "the happiest person" on earth-- far from it.  My life also isn't exactly "terrible" either.  Narcolespy is getting worse, and I'm supposed to take an add-on medication -  insurance won't cover it, and the generic version is $500.  Per month.  If that's not enough to cause depression...  I can't take SSRI's or SNRI's and I've even tried TCA's.  I'm still considering ECT.

No kidding.  But I realize that this funk isn't purely the result of my brain-- it's brain + life.
It's dysthymia met with Major Depression.  Where does awful begin and end?

You know what else REALLY sucks?  There's not much I can do about it.  I hate to sound or actually be helpless and hopeless, but much of my financial "fate" rests within stranger's hands, who don't know me at all.  I await "the government's decision".  News flash:  After being on appeal for 2 years, I get sent a notice saying I have 20 days to submit new evidence, and that any evidence cannot be dated after October, 2011.  Why then?  The letter did not say why.  What I think:  It was right before I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy and scoliosis and disc herniation(s), as that certain month/year have no other bearings.  When you're on appeal, and if you win, the mula goes all the way back to the beginning-- that's a lot of money for the government to just let go of.   I think it's strange that they have 2 years to let paperwork just sit there, and give me a time-frame of 20 days to meet. Of course I could ask for an extension, but I don't need it, and my extension would only delay them (without any short time-frame guidelines to be met on their part).  They want me to drop the case and open a new one-- less money for them to pay.  F^CK that!

I'm so totally not liking America much these days.  What pisses me off:

... Valuing money over human's well-being; Unfair rules; Red tape.  Bullshit.

... Student loan companies who call you and ask if you "could just give them $600"-- As if you're not paying them just to piss them off.  I've asked for loan declaration forms 10 times, but I never received one.  They asked me for my MD's declaration of disability form which I sent twice but they never received  even AFTER I sent it certified.  WTF?  I've sent them the certified letter via certification, and "they never received it".  HUH?!?!  They refuse to call me on the phone anymore since they insist on recording it, and I asked if I can record it as well, to which they replied "No".  One day I had enough and sent them a letter about harassing me (I labeled the envelope "Loan Sharks", wink) with copies of their certified (with signatures) letters received from me;  I also CC'd a few copies to the US Department of Education, the BBB, and a few more agencies.  I haven't heard from them since, but that doesn't mean much.  I'm sure they're looking for a debt buyer, and I hope they do!  They're legally obligated to TELL ME this info before they do so.  I will totally record myself hand-delivering any declaration form.  This is ridiculous.

... I have to deal with these assholes, while I'm trying to STAY AWAKE?  This must be a joke.  If only.

Here's my PC-related dork rant:  I think  the image of the benzo chemical structure doesn't work with the new design, but I haven't looked at the HTML coding.  I use mainly use Chrome, which IMO isn't as great at when it comes to inspecting Java and HTML formatting.   I only know how it looks to me in ways which I'm not used to.  I.e., Windows 8 (this lack of a start button sucks-- Linux to the rescue!), Ubuntu versions, and yay now Vista!  The iPod is still somewhere in Austria... and the Nook has also disappeared or is hiding very, very well somewhere in the house.  I have more time than I thought I'd have, so I'm plugging away at fixing my Toshiba laptop-- this is typically very easy, as there's a hidden HDD recovery partition.  Unless, umm, one does the system restore so many times and puts other OS's on it that it re-writes the STUPID boot/bcd file.  Yes, I have back-up discs-- they won't work, though they did before.  I cannot get to a command line any more, so I can't even rebuild the "BootMgr" section, as it doesn't recognize any OS.  I'd re-install Ubuntu or Linux Mint on it, but it won't even let me do that, even with an iso via thumb drive.  Grr.  I'm just pooped from fixing PC's and routers and modems.

I finally got the chance to clean up my (small) living room, which looked like Hacker's Paradise, according to my mother.  3 laptops, an HDMI TV in the middle of the room, 20+ discs laying around, as well as various Ethernet cords, thumb drives, SD cards, small screwdrivers, and a new 1 TB external HDD.  'Twas free... Worst Buy ripped me off by 160 GBs when they replaced the month old internal Toshiba HDD in 2011 and after a little bitching, wah-lah.

Yes, I said Vista.  I have an older HP laptop I hadn't used for a few years which simply wouldn't turn on.  With no iPod or Nook, and a serious Minecraft Gamer on my hands, well-- things can get ugly.   I didn't think it was the hard drive, so I took off the keyboard and whaddya know?  The power button's electrical cord was freaking unattached.  Oh, I know how this happened.  3 summers ago, I babysat 2 brats.  I'm calling them brats because one stole a few of M's DSi games but denied it... A pity that a few Hello Kitty and other stupid games had to "go missing" in order to get M's games back (their mother wouldn't even look for M's games, so some strategy was needed on my part);  One took off the left click button of a laptop, and the other one shoved 2 CDs in my car's CD player-- in front of me, intentionally, without any remorse.  When I say brats, I genuinely mean it. It's not like they were 3 or 4 years old and didn't know better.  One was 8 and one was 11, almost 12.  So, wtf?  So this is how the power button's cord became unattached.  Yay, I fixed it!  I was about to disassemble it for parts.  Damn brats! There was so much bloatware, unknown files and probably viruses on it that I had to re-install it as well.  It would overheat every 30 seconds so this took a few days.

Thanks, brats... You know I just got the damn CDs out of my car?!  It's currently installing Service Pack 2, and I think the overheating was a result of who knows what the hell she installed, as the PC has been cleaned, fans and all, and it hasn't overheated since the OS install.

The plan: To give M the Toshiba when or if I can fix it, or the HP/Vista if all goes well after the 200th update.  The Toshiba has a cracked screen and overheats too, and he's not great at putting new ice packs under it or letting it breathe.  The screen isn't a problem-- he can just use the living room TV via HDMI-- he pretty much "owns" the room anyways, and he's at the age where I don't want him to have a PC in his room. (teh pron...grr)  We'll see how the Vista updates go.

So the design of the blog... ATM, who cares? Not I.

In the meantime, here's a TED talks video which explains the use of the mental illness asterisk above.  It gives different rates which I quoted from my previous blog, but that was using NAMI's research (unknown date), as well as a book author's (circa 1999).  Many thanks goes to the person that gave me the link for the video:

Via: http://us1.campaign-archive2.com/?u=07487d1456302a286cf9c4ccc&id=f93ae9f246&e=47d409ad6f

Benzo Wall Of Shame

If the text is too small to read. you can click on the jpeg you and won't get re-directed anywhere.  I t says the following:

"Send victim stories and photos to Benzowallofpain@gmail.com...
Please click on the photos in the wall in order to read the complete stories.
Spread the word!"

Uh huh... "victim".  Vomit.  If you can stomach it, take a look the page: https://www.facebook.com/TheBenzodiazepineWallOfPain.

Just when I thought I had seen it all.

There's a level of very bizarre non-sexual sadism and voyeurism going on there --  a bit too much to be comfortable with, comprehend and explain to myself, yet alone others.

Whomever these sick bastards are, they're using social media to get their somatization-enabling, medication-hating message out there.  "Spread the word!", they ask us.  What word?  They want people to send photographs and stories of themselves in their "benzo victim" states?  What kind of a strange request is that?

That's beyond f^*ked up.

Just in case anyone needs to confirm their conversion disorders and ignore the elephant in the room, I summed one "victim" story for you...

*Circa late 2010-April 2013: Man, approximately 30 years old, with previous social anxiety disorder/had previous panic attacks, gets constant urge to urinate but waits approximately 4 months before seeing a physician.  Gets diagnosed with an overactive bladder and received Ditropan XL and takes it for approximately 1-2 months. Man wakes up a panic attack, asks girlfriend to kill him, says he's going to kill himself. While the side-effects of Ditropan XL do include dry mouth and dizziness, they don't include stabbing the hell out of yourself and wanting to die all of the time.  Man goes to the ER as a result of said panic attack/suicidal thoughts, where he's given 5 mgs of Valium, then  is later given 5 mgs Zyprexa (a medication for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder; rarely as an AD) and 75 mgs Effexor.  Man claims, "I had never heard of any of these drugs and trusted them completely..." . Even though he waited 4 months to seek treatment for his urinary condition and had previous social anxiety and panic attacks before the Ditropan XL, he claims "... I realize this entire nightmare was happening due to a reaction to the Ditropan XL. Upon researching it, I learned side effects and reactions of Ditropan XL included everything that I was experiencing. Had I been advised of this and waited it out, I would have avoided this entire hellish experience."   Keep in mind, this is was in 2010-- PI sheets/patient prescription information sheets were handed out with every single prescription.  You're supposed to READ them.  A few days later, he "writhes on the floor" and flips out;  Is put on another anti-depressant and 15 mgs of Valium (5 mgs/3x/day).  He's later updosed to 22 mgs of Valium (odd dosage) and forgets what he's supposed to use to wash his hair while showering.  Tries to look for things to stab himself with, but ironically, all sharp objects have been removed. Tapers to 10 mgs of Valium, begins to pace around, "hacks away" at his wrists with scissors on Zyprexa and Zopiclone (a sleeping pill in the UK; Lunesta would be among its closest relatives, but they're not X=Y either, mind you).  Goes through quite a few psychiatric wards in a short time frame; The constant pacing leads to blisters and bleeding on the man's feet; He doesn't recognize his mother of girlfriend.  In the psychiatric unit, he is switched to "up to 3 mgs of Ativan a day" for 3 weeks and is shocked that they released him without any refills.  Man then bitches that the "care" he received from his GP was 1/2 mg of Klonopin (100 pills-- more than enough to do a slow taper from 22 mgs of Valium and/or 3 mgs of Ativan) when released. Continues to threaten to kill himself every day, and screams at birds to shut up.  Girlfriend finds benzobuddies.org; Girlfriend gets man a dog named "Angel" to occupy his mind; Man blames girlfriend for "dragging him out of his windows". Man becomes violent, girlfriend breaks up with him but stays in another room to take care of him.  Man begins having visual hallucinations of a woman and a man who stand next to him but say nothing; People in his new "chat group" advise him to just ignore it.  Man claims to have seizure from the Zyprexa updose, ex-girlfriend videotapes the "seizure" with her cell phone, and an ER doc watches the video and confirms it's a seizure, doesn't run an ECG or keep him overnight as that's standard (man does not say this).  The man does say that the ER MD spoke with others who had dealt with him before and then the MD says it was not a seizure, but anxiety.  To which man replies, "They were covering their backs!".  Was on 20.5 mgs of Valium in September, 2012 and as of April, 2013, 6 months later,  is down to 11.5 mgs of Valium (1.5 mgs  per month "taper" on average, per month); Now lives alone with his dog Angel, lost his girlfriend, got disability (for a medication reaction from a urinary problem med!?!)  but has "hope"....

Man is called a warrior for surviving "downright abuse", and told he will live happily-ever-after.



Sexual Dysfunction in Benzo land? Couldn't be true.  Where would the Benzo Skype sex go?!  The benzoids are always horny, at least on the interwebz.  But no sex in real life? The sadists asked for pictures.  Here are a few. This *might* have something to do with it:

From: https://www.facebook.com/notes/benzodiazepine-wall-of-pain/benzodiazepines-and-skin-reactions/528151537226416

YUM!  

From: https://www.facebook.com/notes/benzodiazepine-wall-of-pain/benzodiazepines-and-skin-reactions/528151537226416

Some people out there think that benzos cause dermatological problems such as dry, cracked feet, sores around the mouth. The woman also might have what looks like a mild toenail fungal infection, IMO.  I'm not sure if that's an example of "cankles" or severe inflammation. Yum again!  Hey, no one expects anyone to be beauty models, and I won't tell any woman that she "must" shave, trust me.  But umm, Occam's goddamn Razor?  

Can you be allergic to benzos?  Of course.  Wall O' Shame linked a January 2013 article about a benzo, tetrazepam, being linked to allergic reactions.  This isn't news by any means.  Tetrazepam has been known to cause more allergic reactions than any other benzo since at least 1994.  Even so, it's still a very rare side effect.  Something seems off with the Benzo Hall of Shame's attribution for a 2 year Valium taper (wtf?) for causing these dermatological reactions. While one minor active metabolite of Valium is tetrazepam, their claims don't add up.

Histamine lies within mast cells, and when activated by an allergen, it becomes released, leading to an allergic reaction of various degrees.  There's much, much more to histamine of course, but I'll leave it at that. However, 1,4 benzodiazepines such as Valium actually suppress mast cell responses.  See the chart on page 121 @ http://www.jiaci.org/issues/vol18issue2/7.pdf.  Incredible!
Anxiety can also cause hives. WOW.

In summary, I think the following is pretty disturbing:

• There is a group of apparent sadists who want to see "victim's" pictures
• The "victims" somehow feel comforted by each other's "benzo related symptoms"
• People are telling someone with visual hallucinations to ignore them
• Nasty foot, hairy leg and ulcerated mouth woman refuses to take f'ing steroids and use cortisone cream... Maybe some antibiotics and some foot cream too, eh?
• Hairy legs... Enough said
• These people actually think rashes are *always* attributed to benzo use-- look at the comment section... Sigh
• I would never believe a (good) doctor would say such skin conditions are a "detox thing" and if one did, I'd find another one ASAP

Benzo Wall of Shame and Fame is nothing more than a page for people to confirm other people's confirmation biases and conversion disorders, and then their own.  I cannot comprehend any realistic and safe goals for which the page owner(s) might have, and I must ask...

What good is it?  

3 bloggers walked Into a bar... Only two could drink. The third was in Benzo "PAWS" for life.

Life is ironic...  I found (as in, on the curb, literally) a very interesting and noteworthy book about suicide a few years ago.  It was shoved in a box along with other items such as clothes and shoes, and well... maybe you get the drift.  Kinda creepy to think that someone may have bought a book to help them understand suicide packed along with arguably someone else's personal items.  I like books, and perhaps I'm weird, but I liked used books even more.  They're cheap or free, and there's just something about knowing someone else read it, drew in it, highlighted certain parts of it.  It always makes me wonder:

"Hmm, I wonder why they doodled there or highlighted here".   I have hundreds of books. So many that I had to put boxes and boxes away in my mud room even though I have a 3 bookcases, one of which is 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide-- and full.  So I never got around to reading this  book completely until the other day.   The book's title is Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide.

The author, Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychologist, wrote about worldwide suicide statistics, dates, trends, men versus women, race, age, the whole gamut, including her own suicide attempt.  Something struck me about the last part-- how we're (society and parents)  are told to tell their children about sex and drugs (and rock and roll), AIDS, etc.

 So we warn our children of such things, but we rarely, if ever, talk about mental illness.  As a mother, I had never "come out" to my son and said "I have depression and anxiety".  He'll be 11 soon so I thought, you know, I should bring this up with him before all of the hormones hit him.  Children are fairly moody any ways.  It's not like I was hiding it.  Or was I?

I thought about all the times when in a very deep depression, I would go and take a shower.  I was really crying sobbing, truth be told. I didn't want to answer "Why are you crying?", especially when these were random outbursts that can't be so easily explained to anyone, let alone to a child.

So why don't we-- and I included-- talk about anxiety and depression to children?  They're not immune to either one.  The incidents of GAD and Panic Disorder happen around the 10/11 age mark but go unnoticed or "something that felt strange" by the child, only to come back years later.  The second cause of death after car accidents in those who are 14-21 is suicide.  It's not heroin overdoses or alcoholism or AIDS or cancer.  So, WHY isn't anyone talking about it?

The author wrote that when suicide is presented to students at school, the message received is that "stress causes it".  While that's not incorrect, it's also not the whole story.  Studies show that about 1/3 of all people who end up committing suicide see a psychiatrist or therapist a month before their action, and 50% see them within the same week.  So while suicide is not always caused by mental illness, there's a very good chance that it's a leading factor.

Is mental illness a bad word? It must be, since so many people have one, yet it's never a hot topic. 50% of the adult population has at least chronic one in their life, so what's with the hush-hush? 

I said life was ironic because my last blog mentioned how I thought that "Comisado" was behind the blog at http://benzowithdrawalsyndrome.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/718/.  ( I just want to to point out the fact that I'm not actually a "stalker" either.
I am currently "stalking" the identities of those publishing accidental government intranets and a business one, oddly enough).  Someone sent me a few links and I can't confirm anything, and I do not have a single grudge against "Comi", as I've never interacted with her and know nothing about her. That's not the point. But let's stop the chatter already.

Comi, if you read this, please know I have nothing against you, and I am sorry for your loss.  I also want you to really think about "What came first, the chicken or the egg?".  It sounds silly, but medications rarely cause a mental illness to get worse; some people need them, so stop the anti-psychiatry nonsense.  This isn't the heyday of imprisoning those with mental illnesses or performing lobotomies.  I agree-- Most cases of anti-depressants have the placebo affect.  If this is true, there are WAY more people being helped that harmed by them any ways.  They once made me MUCH better off, and once, well, not so much... But stop the chatter about someone needing to taper off of Prozac or any SSRI for years for Christ's sake.  Enough is enough.

It's ironic because just after I had confronted my own past about hiding the "crazy" in the closet, someone forwarded me another blog-- and I think I like this woman, the blogger, "Honest Mom".  After appearing on TV and writing that she took medication for her medical condition and the stress of motherhood, she got sent some awfully mean and judgmental comments.  A part of her reply:

(Gosh, it’s just so hard to understand why women are afraid to admit they deal with mental health issues, huh?)

You know, at the end of the day, there will always be controversy over this topic. People are still not comfortable with depression and chronic illnesses that reside in the brain.

The controversy is what attracts attention. But in the end, it’s not what will last.

What will last is the hope that the more we talk, the less we’ll judge.

 I had to giggle at the one section:

All these women commenting online who “never have to resort to pills” or whose own mothers “lived in a tougher time without all the stuff we had today and did just fine” – well, that’s just great. I’m happy for you. Truly.

I’m happy that your mother didn’t have PPD or depression or ADD or anxiety.

I’m happy that if she did, she managed it successfully so you’d never know.

I’m happy that you have no problem sailing through life and enjoying every minute.

And I’m happy that you can simply meditate your everyday stresses away.

Really. I’m glad that you had a rosy childhood and that things are going well for you.

But not everyone’s like you. And your words sound kind of mean and like you’re rubbing your happy, perfect life in our faces. So please be more kind and stop with the judging, m’kay?

Right on, Honest Mom!  As an adult reflecting on my own childhood (which was pretty great, actually), I only wish my mother, who had four children and worked way more than full time, had a benzo "to pop".  While it wasn't exactly  "abusive", I recall many more times than I should, incidents of her throwing every toy, article of clothing (things that kids just leave around the house) in a pile and literally screaming "If this isn't cleaned up in 10 minutes, it's ALL going to get thrown away!". (Hell, I wish she'd take a benzo now sometimes.)

Me?  I say (and don't scream) "Well, if things get sucked up in the vacuum cleaner, don't blame me..." with a good hour or so notice.  It's not exactly nice, but neither is the feeling of stepping on small Lego pieces for that matter.  Sadly, my son has realized that I wouldn't actually do that, and even if I did by accident, the vacuum is transparent-- he can call my bluff, which he has done.  (*Self note: need to find an old vacuum that uses dusty bags for these bluff-calling times.)

I agree with Honest Mom.  If you go to the page, scroll down the comments.  Atm, Comisado's comment is the third one down, and she references her own blog.  I can't believe she said "the X word"... Wtf?

I didn't go digging for this info.  I found it ironic that just when I questioned why society doesn't confront things and isn't honest as to what the real problems apt to strike you are, this comes along.

Yes, motherhood, fatherhood, parenthood.. all tough.  As a single parent with a very NON-shy, very stubborn, often brash and spoiled and can-argument-his-way-outta-anything child, I know this to be very true. There are evenings when I'm making dinner, doing dishes, and laundry, reminding him to get his homework started, all at once... I see him stuff something in an already overfilled garbage can (which often results in a mess, usually of the food/beverage kind) and I think... "That's his only damn chore.  When I was his age, I could cook, clean, and do almost anything. He can't even fold a towel... Like he's going to mop up the mess?  Does he even realize the damn thing is already full and HELLO, it's his job to take out the garbage!". While I'm not popping a few Xanax over this, it is highly annoying and results in a quick chat that ofen goes nowhere:

Me: It's full, it's not going to fit in, please take it out.

Him: I am soooo hungry and I need nourishment for energy to do such difficult tasks.

Me: Dear gawd, you had lunch 4 hours ago, you weigh more than I do, and you're stronger than I am. Stop acting like your one and only single chore is laying brickwork in the hot sun.  Do you know the chocolate that we all love so much?  Well, 5 year olds get paid pennies a day to work for 12 hours, barefoot to get the cocoa! 5 year olds, just to keep the price of chocolate dpwn.  That's Capitalism for you..... And you're complaining about taking a light bag of garbage, which 80% of it you created, out to the garbage can in nice backyard, nice town...

He usually walks away at this point, talking about the *real* child labor he's forced to do (lol) and I'm left babbling to myself. The garbage was not taken out, and one side of the chicken is a bit burnt.  Yep, that's a common parent evening.  Not to mention the homework being put off, bedtime being put off, having to remind him that he needs to brush his teeth for "like, longer than 10 seconds", and please use shampoo when you "wash" your hair! Trust me, at around 9-10 PM, all parents sigh some relief, and it has nothing to do with us complaining or not loving our children.

So what-- the chicken gets burnt, there's juice on the floor, and well... That's life. Most of these are silly, and they're often funny.  Claiming that he's so famished to even take out the garbage... It's funny, but when it happens all the time, it's not so funny.

Yep, you can all tell me that I shouldn't have had him if I'm "complaining".  No, he wasn't "an accident"-- he was planned and I was married. Who said children were fault-free and every moment with them is pure splendour?  No one I know.  And who even expects that? They're only humans, and I'm not sure I've never not butted heads with anyone I've lived with for a decade.

I agree with Honest Mom.  Nothing is perfect.  Everything is imperfect.  And that's okay.  If it's a mental illness that needs medication or therapy, or a child that you're not always so giddy about.  It's life-- it must be nice to live with rosy glasses on, but that's not a choice we all get to make.  I'm not sure I'd want to any ways.

Cease the madness already.  Cease the controversy.  Sometimes you gotta buck up, but sometimes you gotta cry. If people keep saying that medications "made them crazy", they're only continuing to stigmatize mental illnesses.  Not cool.

... By the way, I did tell my son about anxiety and depression.  I talked about "the taboo".  I said that he was in D.A.R.E  (eek) and had a sex-ed intro, so I think it's time we talked about something we hadn't yet.  I said: "I have a mental illness.  Two or three, actually... And they're not always that terrible, and sometimes I take medication for them.  I have depression and anxiety.  That's why I'm not always so peppy or willing to go on 5 mile hikes. You probably think it's narcolepsy, but sometimes it's not. Many people have depression and anxiety, they're very common, but they can affect some people's lives in a bad way, and we don't control what mental illness we get.  We control our outlook on it, and how we treat it, and sometimes, you know, I wouldn't be "me" without the "crazy".  Just know that you should never feel ashamed or scared to talk about anything that seems a bit off,  with me or anyone you trust."

He said:  You're not crazy, and I think I know what depression feels like, maybe, and I'll tell you whenever I feel sad or anxious.  Because kids are mean, and Mom, if I tell you a story about what some kid called me, is it okay if I use a curse word, because it's what he said?...  
 
"The more we talk, the less we judge."-- Honest Mom.

Exactly!