Remember, Remember the 5th of November...

Looks like Wharf Rat never caught those "Norwegian" hackers. Happy November 5th, everyone!
The irony... Oh, and you might wanna pop a benzo for this blog.

Just when I was enjoying my immoral, "highly sedated" and godless life in peace, I receive an anonymous email with a link, that says nothing other than "More to follow". I viewed the main headers of course, and by "anonymous", it's seriously anonymous, a re-mailer that does not originate back to the sender. I know, I totally look like "the hacker". You run an mapping tool on me and you see "Linux OS, Windows Server". I swear it's just my router! Trust me, I was never this good. I left that world a decade ago. I doubt I'm the only one who was given this link. I just happen to be awake this late/early, I assume. All I'm supplying is the same exact public link that was given to me-- my hands are clean. Since the link is from a public source, it does not violate any TOS.

Donna (or should we call her "Fortune" or "Tessa"?) lied to me. She said she was "out of the benzo forum world forever". The question is: What will Mike59 do after he sees his "friends" stabbing him in the back? The other question is: Who is more of a sociopath? Mike59 or Donna? At least M59 doesn't hide his "crazy". Donna, on the other hand, came off as a sweet, caring, apologetic person when she called me on the phone back in July to apologize to me after I released her pictures. That's pretty scary, considering she had the new BW.org planned all along, and all she was trying to do was sweeten me up, not knowing what other "info" I had. It didn't work. That BS radar works as well as the "Sociopath Radar". Look at the dates below. The really disturbing thing is that she had called ME within days of this happening. I never gave her my number, which is unlisted, and not even in MY name. I'm sure you can gather where she obtained this info from.

I made a blog months ago that warned people not to join the new Benzowithdrawal.org website. I am not a fan of Benzobuddies.org either (clearly). I believe I said:

"When there's a rat, there's a Donna". 

Colin also made a post at BenzoBuddies.org about the exact same topic: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=59748.msg815845#msg815845. It is now users only, but I had a screen shot from then. And as always, click on the photo to make it larger; it won't take you away from the main screen:

Murkier and murkier. Sounds about right.

We were both correct. Here is THE link:  http://sebsauvage.net/paste/?630218f9a866f3f0#m534NU1QHQ3Ss/hanbs5UCFQZV7qXTmjsbufFxtMmYU=

My foreword: The email/link did not include/did not know that "Cayenne" is Inkerbelle/CherryBlossom from BenzoBuddies.org. Poor Inkerbelle. Looks like she didn't heed warnings to stay away from Donna. My condolences, Inkerbelle, for what has happened. You were among the few who emailed me after I was banned  from BB for my "inflammatory post". You said my advice was great, and I appreciated that. I personally consider you innocent. And freaking smart! A PhD in Geophysics? Awesome! I'm sorry that you were taken in by Donna, but it's not your fault. I really believe that Donna Payne is a true sociopath, and they are very great at hiding their intentions. It's super creepy.

And by reading the below text, it looks like you WANT to be known as the owner-- and said "to hell with the harassment". You've won my respect for that, and again, I'm sorry if no one warned you not to get involved with Donna. I also consider Wharf Rat innocent, although I warned him HOW many times? Clearly, in the text below, you can see that he's Donna's "bitch" (no offense WR). I'm no psychoanalyst, but I see a very weird mother/son/dysfunctional power trip occurring between WR and Donna, but that's just IMO/guess, so take no offense to it, I'm no specialist. I have always liked Wharf Rat, and consider him to be the only one who cared about BE member's information leaking, which I promised would not happen. I consider both WR and Inkerbelle victims of Donna, and I feel sorry for them.  I don't know who Grace is, but she was the only Mod that sent my BW sock account an email after my sock account had not logged in for awhile. I also have no idea who "Eliza" is. This is "Leak #1 (of many)", so I can't tell you what's in the future, if anything, let alone if this is even real. I persoanlly believe it is. I know the writing styles of of Inkerbelle, WR, and Donna, and it looks legit. 

I will say that:

A) I don't know who is behind it (inside job??), and the headers go nowhere; I imagine this was sent to others as well, as there was no message

B)  I don't think whoever gave this link has intentions which are  malicious 

C) As everyone should know by now, I have never released any data on any innocents, even assumed ones, let alone any "party" that was in no way connected-- and never would

D) You can ask the 100+ or so people who comment that ask me to "Not Publish", and I have kept my word, every time

E) In addition, if I find something that could hurt innocent people, I will not publish it

Since the document expires in 29 days, here's the full text of the above public link:

[ list of admins: fortune = Donna Marie Payne (formerly Capraro), of Fallbrook, CA - founder Cayenne = Marie Danielle Arrowsmith (formerly Renwald) of Los Alamos, NM Grace = Mary Lou Dupuis, of Austin, TX Tessa = Donna Marie Payne (formerly Capraro), of Fallbrook, CA - sock account BanhammerTheMighty = Andrew Patrick "Drew" Hurlstone, of Holiday, FL ] Leak #1 (of many)

Thread: Mr. The 59 Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 9:15 am Well, Mike just emailed me and said he tried to join up here, but that his name was blocked. I played dumb about it and suggested that possibly lots of names associated with drama at BB were set to be blocked in the beginning and that I'd ask around and see what's up (that's the other nice thing about not being an admin anymore... he cannot get favors from me, not that he's ever really asked for one, but hell, the year is young). :) Just figured I'd let you guys know. You guys know that I don't care if he is here or not, but it ain't my call. I'll not plead the case one way or the other. Just passing on the info, in case he starts attacking or something ridiculous like that. Figured that the rather specific note on BB would tell him that you guys want nothing to do with his bullshit, but some folks are rather thick-headed. ADDENDUM: He has replied that he doesn't have any interest in joining any forums, but wanted to see if he was able to. Oh well... nothing to see here. :) Cheers! -The Hammer Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 11:39 am Apparently you also told him that I was involved because I've gotten some emails too. :( Told him I was helping through email and phone and not any more involved, that I do what my heart tells me to do. He seems just fine with it but we can't run our lives based on what our friends think and if they're our friends they will accept us. If not, well, let the games begin. PLEASE DON'T GIVE OUT ANY MORE INFORMATION THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. x-(( The US government bases their security clearances on a need-to-know basis. It is not lying. It is whether an individual has a need-to-know about certain aspects of government contracts and information. I had a Secret clearance when I worked at Hughes. There were things I could not tell people "just because I knew them". I still cannot talk about them to this day even though I was debriefed. My husband worked in area 59 with a highest level Top Secret security clearance (there are many levels of Top Secret). HE CANNOT EVEN TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE WORKED ON 15 YEARS AGO). There is a line to be drawn. You shouldn't have told him about me at

all. That's the line now. There's no more lines to cross that are acceptable. That is the basic rule and breaching a government security clearance can ruin a person's life. I love you though. :) Post by cayenne >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 12:28 pm Hi guys, I just woke up briefly with a horrible migraine. I have to lie down again. Usually I can look at the computer a little bit but right now it hurts to look at the screen. I just wanted to put in 3 cents - based on the bashing we've gotten from BB that Mr. 59 is actually running the forum and people being freaked out already, I'm concerned that we are going to get some backlash if the newest member showing up is the username "escapo" which I know has been affiliated with him in past maybe if I'm remembering right? I don't care if he's here or under what name, but I'm wondering if he would be opposed to changing to a username that isn't affiliated with any of his old ones? I'm not thinking very well right now, my head is hurting so bad. I know he's a good guy and I believe in what he's trying to accomplish; I'm just worried about more BB mudslinging, etc. IDK - what do you all think. I want him to feel welcome just like all of our members. I had a Q clearance too when I worked at LANL. That was a pain in the ass to get and to have. Speaking of, I put my old website back up: http://www.bluedutch.com - I know eventually my name will come out as being associated here as well. Would you guys look over my website and tell me if you think I should pull/alter anything? I am going to update it one day, but I want to be myself in the world. If there is anything on there that is going to end of fodder for some random blog or for Colin, I'd rather pull it. Thanks both for all you've been doing. Love you both. My head is so bad now, I'm not thinking right. Grrrr. Hugs to you and lotsa love too. Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 12:40 pm It's been settled, Marie. I didn't actually tell the guy that Donna was involved here, but just that she was giving advice to you on occasion, because I was trying to keep him off our asses, and since we all are friends, I thought that might shut him up. I was incorrect, but he will learn nothing more from this humble fool. I've made him aware that I have no power here now (at least, admin-wise), so he'll most likely stop asking me stuff. Unless he writes me about comic books (a mutual interest of ours), I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut from now on. As they said in Cool Hand Luke, "Some men, you just can't reach." :) Sorry about your headache. I'll not add to it. :) Post by cayenne >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 2:11 pm No worries - I'm not concerned about you - you're great - I couldn't

and wouldn't want to be here without you! And I'm not even concerned about Mike. Everyone's good people here. The website comment I made (about my site), that wasn't about CoM - I checked out Banana's blog the other day and she said she was launching some kind of full scale investigation of who was running the show here. Srsly, do people have nothing better to do with their time?! LOL. I just wanted, if her "investigation" comes to anything, for you all to see what my IRL world was like before I started "living the benzo withdrawal lifestyle" as my husband calls it so you would know more about me, and if there was stuff you felt would be detrimental to our accomplishing our goals of making our forum KICK ASS, I wanted to change it. You're not adding to my headache at all. You never could. You've given me nothing but joy ever since I first met you, with your good heart, sense of humor, and genuine caring for others. That goes for everyone here. That's why I wanted to be here doing this, even though I knew how polarized it might get with politics. It's worth it, because I think we are doing something really great, and we are doing it with the best group of people I have ever worked with! I still hope one day you will write that comic you talked to me about one time. I can't remember what it was, but you've got talents. You all do here. I'm so pleased to be here; it makes the migraines worth it :) xoxo Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 2:34 pm I checked out your site. I like it! I doubt anything there could be used against you. Banana *generally* only attacks those who attack her, but there are exceptions to every rule, depending on if she sees a shiny object on that particular day. :) You'll notice that she generally doesn't screw with me (other than posting my name once and some of my private communications with Mr. 59 in the past, but I couldn't care less and called her out on it at the time, and she's pretty much left me alone since). Just one of those "sensitive" individuals who, as you said quite correctly, really has nothing better to do! She is nothing to be concerned about. :) The comic in question was about Avocados taking over the earth and was basically a Terminator spoof. If I could find the disk I'd saved the script on, I'd send it to ya. Does anyone use 3.5" diskettes anymore for anything other than cheap coasters? :) Post by eliza >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:32 pm My suggestion is Mike should not be allowed to join. One less door open for possible problems. Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:40 pm I don't care one way or the other, but you have a point, E. He'll probably find some way in anyhow under some other name, but we don't have anything to hide. So, it really doesn't matter. However, from all the brouhaha about him possibly running the place and/or being here that those morons keep posting (or at least did as of a day or two ago... I got tired of checking.. those assholes give me a migraine, and I don't generally get them!), it is probably best to just leave things as they are. I'm not asking anyone to change anything, but I wouldn't be forthcoming if I didn't let you folks know what was going on. :) Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:50 pm By the way, once everyone has their say, it would probably be a good idea to delete this thread. When BE got hacked, lots of private messages and whatnot surfaced. We should distance ourselves from this sort of thing and leave no evidence, on the off chance that one of the BB wackos (or whoever the hell it was) comes at us again and starts spilling information. I'd rather them just drown in confusion and lack of knowledge. :) Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:17 pm Cayenne, be you, screw everyone else. Don't change anything about yourself. Be ready and have emotional armor on. Things will be said, posted, etc. Wear the armor. The site won't survive without that. Mike59 coming here as escapo is akin to slapping your faces. If he wanted to hide he would have hidden under a different user name.

He is eventually getting banned. If anyone has talked to him about the escapo user name please say so here before he gets banned. Since he's already copied, pasted and posted things from this site on cesspool he is not welcome. Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:22 pm I was just informed of this on private chat by the aggrieved party. Suffice to say, I'm less than pleased. Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:29 pm of what? Back door Bob is another good one. He's cutting and pasting so we can ban him so that he will have an excuse to attack. Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:41 pm I feel very bad for Marie. Now that he knows it's her he is not going to cut her any slack. I do not know of any good or valid reason why he should remain here. He hates benzo sites. There is no other reason. I called Marie but she didn't answer. It is my fault for not adding that name in the back. I didn't think to add it. Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:44 pm fortune wrote:of what? Back door Bob is another good one. He's cutting and pasting so we can ban him so that he will have an excuse to attack. Anne was the one he quoted from, and she saw such and let me know about it. I've been working, so I wasn't aware of it, as I had just popped on here during a break. He of course left off the addition I made to her post (which she agreed with happily after we discussed it). If you're going to be transparent, then you do that, not just pick and choose things out of petty revenge. He'd better cheer up here shortly. I tried to get him off Marie's back, but... well, let's see what happens. He won't like it if he keeps this up. Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:47 pm Good because enough is enough. Let him attack this place. It's better than having him here. I just don't want Marie to get hurt and now she will, either way. He doesn't know who anyone else is. Post by cayenne >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 6:08 pm Hi guys, I'm still really sick. I just got up and don't know what is going on yet. I'll give you a call Donna here in a bet once I've tried to eat a little something. Hugs, xoxo Post by fortune >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 6:32 pm okay. I just don't want to do anything without your consent. Post by cayenne >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:22 pm There is now a "banned" rank and the users that have been banned thus far have been added to it, which now include "escapo." Although I anticipate personal fallout from this, I just want to move forward to continue to provide a safe, professional, and friendly environment for the people that need/want/give support here. That was our goal from the get-go, and it still remains our goal and our mission. Everyone has been doing a great job and I appreciate your support of our great site and our ultimate mission, which is to help people in the best and most professional way possible. Thanks everyone for all you have been doing. Your work is valued and much appreciated, as are all of you =) Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your team! If you have any specific questions that you don't want to discuss on this thread, feel free to PM me. Wishing everyone a good rest of the weekend. Hugs xo. Post by BanhammerTheMighty >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:32 pm Actually, Marie, YOU'RE the boss of the team. Granted, I'll always call Donna "Boss", but that's just my thing, kind like Kevin Costner's character (the gunfighter) in "Open Range" when talking to Robert Duvall's character (the cattle rancher he works for). We're glad to be on YOUR team. :) We'll see what he does. If he didn't expect this, he's simply a fool, and I don't think that's the case. You both know I have counter-measures in place if needed. I hope I don't have to use them. Probably better if I don't, honestly. Giving it a day or two so I can simmer down before doing anything rash. Just feel better, Boss #2. :) Post by Grace >> Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:49 pm I support and commend cayenne's decision to ban escapo. When you guys give me the :-bd , I will delete this thread after everyone's had their say. I may need help by an Admin. in deleting this heading of our favorite subject (not sure if I can delete subject headings), but I will be very :)) when it's gone. I haven't seen "Open Range," but I'm glad to be on cayenne's team. Grace
My afterword: As an older man/MD named Jason once argued with Mike59 on non-benzo forum (but BNZ-related) : "Jesus tap dancing Christ, I have never met such crazy people in all my life and hope to hell I never will again!" I couldn't sum it up any better.  Does anyone else notice the strange way that "Fortune"/Donna "corrects" Wharf Rat? Cayenne/Inkerbelle wants Mike59 to feel welcome there at first. IMO, his advice on BE wasn't terrible. Given that he had tapered from a high dose of Xanax, I'm sure he had lots of good advice. That was nice of Cayenne/Inkerbelle. I am LAUGHING that they mention me. Me launching a full scale investigation? No. Sure, dorky things. I'm a fan of DOS commands (Meh-- you MAC people), and it was easy to find out that it was Inkerbelle who was "running" it, which she knew, and made public. Inkerbelle, I'm sure your IRL (in real life) is just fine. I see your point in setting up another forum.  You just chose the wrong person to be associated with, which is not your fault. Donna can be VERY convincing over the phone-- I know. I even gave her a fake "H-Bomb" to use against me, to see if she talked to Mike59. It hasn't been "dropped" yet, and if/when it does, I'll know how honest she can be (Ha ha ha--I was giving her an "out", albiet a fake one... I never expected secrecy with her), and it was a fake "H-Bomb" at that, so if they "deploy" it, it wouldn't matter anyways. I wish this were about politics, but it's not the case when you involve yourself with people with serious MI's. I'm a "sensitive person"? WOW. News to me! I'm also laughing at WR's statement about me "attacking shiny objects". He taught me a lesson? Also news to me! Wtf? Nope, don't worry about boring Banana-- no concerns. :) Anyways... Eliza steps in and says "No, he should not join". Eliza could be another sock account of Donna's for all I know, but if not, she's the only rational person so far. WR then calls for the thread to be deleted, and says it was hacked by "BB wackos or whoever". I heard it was "Norwegian hackers" via WR. Donna told me it was iPage. (Hrmm?!) We're "drowning", alright. In sheer amazement and confusion (are people really this crazy?)-- not lack of knowledge. 

Fortune/Donna then gives some great advice for Inkerbelle/Cayenne. "Wear your armor". Uh, really? Donna... You're the actual OWNER of it. Where's your freaking armor? Hiding behind others while you tell them to be "brave"? Ooooh, here comes my token phrase: Are you fucking kidding me?! And you feel "so bad for Marie".  Yeah right. You and your silly mistakes, Donna. Almost makes me wonder if they're intentional or you're just *that* super fucked up. "I don't want Marie to get hurt, but now she will, either way". Suuuure. Anyone else notice the power trip games used against Inkerbelle? "He doesn't know who anyone else is", says Donna. Whoops! Not anymore. (Damn that Banana101! Hey, I'm just the messenger.) Cayenne/Inkerbelle then steps up and blocks M59/"escapo". Good for you, Inkerbelle! I'm sure he has great advice to offer, but we all know what happened with BE: ALL info was given to him via Donna, who they both exploited. And they did so without an iota of remorse. Nope, I've never met crazier people in my life... Donna is playing a few sides. I bet the whole time she's playing nice with Mike59. Where is the mention of Tessa? I've seen her on BW.org, but didn't know she had a sock account. I guess that's in Leak #X? Aye... Crazy people! 

So Donna, Mike59's "friend", lies to Mike59. 

Wharf Rat calls his "friend" Mike59 a FOOL. Ouch. Betrayal sucks. Then WR says he has "counter-measures" to use against Mike59... Hmm. Typical WR threat. I think he came here and said something about me posting his PUBLIC Facebook profile, and if anyone were to get harassed/hurt (non-crazy benzo world relatives/friends of his in FLORIDA), it would somehow come back to me? And a Glock (gun) was mentioned. It made no sense to me, the profile was public, yet somehow someone would stumble on MY blog in Florida and find his friends/relatives to harass over his public profile? Uh-- I don't think so. Yep, typical WR threat-- I think this is legit. They forgot to delete the thread, or... like I said, could this be an "inside job"? 

Let's take a look back into the days before that:

Two days before this happened (on July 19), I blogged about Benzowithdrawal.org. Donna said on July 19 on my blog: "I'm going to butt out and leave this crazy stuff behind me but I have a funny feeling that you'll all carry this on for a long time." Aww. I was lied to again. Colin said this on BB the same day:

"At that time, Donna still maintained that she was not involved with the blog site. Although we suspected that she was lying, it was not an established fact. Obviously, it's a completely different situation now. Donna admitted to running the NT alias, and I managed to find out for myself that she was also posting there as Military Tanks (I will not disclose exactly how I know (just to frustrate her), but it was through her own silly mistakes).

'NT' and 'Military Tanks' contributed some of most abusive comments to the blog. Sometimes the blogger would post 'specials' from NT - real dirty abusive stuff - as full blog entries, as I'm sure you are aware. The idea that NT (Donna) owned and managed an online benzodiazepine withdrawal support forum is staggering. Of course, WharfRat must be included too. He did not stoop quite to the level of the abusive blogger and Donna, but he did dabble, and remains a staunch supporter of the blog and its most abusive contributors."--Colin 7/19/2012 From: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=59748.240

A short while later on the same day, Colin received an email from Donna ("curse words" warning. If you're "sensitive" to them, I warned you):

Colin wrote:
"Hi all,
I just picked up an e-mail from Donna. Frankly, as foulmouthed as it is, it pales in comparison with some of the things she wrote about entirely innocent BB members using her NT and Military Tanks aliases. Mostly, her targets had not even heard of her."

Quote: (Donna)
"Hey you lying, evil tongued, drama queen, destroyer of hope and happiness, manipulative shit head. I don't have any ties to or interest in that new forum so go fuck yourself you creepy bastard. You never cease to amaze me, how you actually enjoy libeling people and hurting and/or frightening your members out of nothing but ego. You have a Napoleon complex, fitting the exact definition of a gossip whore whose breath reeks of bullshit.

If I were in the UK I would sue your ass up, down and around for all the libel you are publishing. You'd be begging for scraps in the street.

May God have mercy on your lying, murmuring tongue and even more mercy on your
tarnished, paranoid lying soul. I will continue to pray for the people that you
have an evil influence over, pray for their freedom, joy and happiness."

From: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=59748.240

How classy of her! I also love how some Catholic and Christian people "pray" for other people as they horrifically insult them.

Since we're using foul-mouths, this song is perfect: 

So, I was enjoying my "heavily sedated" life (which I apparently don't have), and  minding my own business. I was a member for 3 freakin' months. What happened?! People can't really be this crazy, right? Sadly, they are, and this is only the beginning. I have the feeling that MBVV from BB will get brought up, as well as Skyy. Who knows who else. "Kittygate" et al. I didn't keep up. When I said I was out, I meant it.  

Benzos aren't THAT dangerous. But the forums are.  

I am not affiliated with a SINGLE PERSON, blog, group, etc. I take pride in this. I get ZERO benefits from it. I wish there were no forums that fixated upon one medication-- that's when things get out of control. I do not support the Ashton Manual. I'm also not sticking up for BenzoBuddies.org. It's sadly filled with too many hypochondriacs. I applaud Colin for taking a stance. At least BenzoBuddies.org has your privacy in mind, and they're up front about who they are, even if they refuse to have an "Anti-Quack" Mod and members can get pretty... "out there". I can giggle all I want to about microchips in benzos, or demons, or tapering at a turtle's shit pace, but you know? It's not funny. It's really sad. 

If I could offer anyone advice: "Trust no one", of course, and stay the hell away from weird health forums! 

I support seeing your MD. Maybe you don't HAVE to taper. Maybe you have to or want to. If the taper is too fast for you (and I do NOT mean not in accordance with the Ashton Manual taper rates), work with your doctor, or find another doctor and be reasonable. It should NOT take ANYONE on the planet a year and a half to get off of 3 milligrams of Klonopin, or 9+ months to get off of 40 milligrams of Valium. Go to your local library if you cannot afford a Physician's Desk Reference or cannot otherwise obtain taper schedules from your medication. Any MD should have these available to you, and will print them for you. I am sure the medication's manufacturers would be happy to supply you with this information as well. And search the internet for legitimate information-- no forums! You don't need any ridiculous  over-priced and potentially dangerous herbs or vitamins, or "feel-good" books by anti-medicine people which makes benzos look like they're straight from hell, and you don't need to sit around all day reading horror stories.